Nothing seems to be going how you pictured it would. You feel unwanted, unworthy, and unimportant. You feel stuck and are questioning your purpose in this life. Ever felt like this? Me too.
People that know me probably wouldn't imagine me struggling with any of these thoughts. They assume my life is just fine and dandy all the time. Although it may often come across like this,that is not the case. Although I'm always striving to keep a positive mindset and be a light to others, that doesn't mean I don't go through times of darkness. I'm about to be very honest and vulnerable with you all, so just bear with me! I'm not blogging about this for sympathy, but in hope someone can relate.
This past month has been difficult for me. Has anything tragic happened to make it difficult? Nothing in particular. Little things that have been on my mind for a while like silly boy problems and thinking about next year suddenly seemed like enormous problems. Im usually a very stress free gal and don't worry about much but for some reason worry and stress were suddenly drowning me. Maybe it was because I never really allow myself to stress or worry about anything, so I had to crash and burn eventually? Who knows. All I knew was that I was feeling helpless over things that used to not bother me.I was always the one giving advice to my friends (don't get me wrong, this is one of my favorite things to do) but none of them were asking or wondering how I was doing. I just felt alone. I felt as if some people in my life only wanted me in theirs when it was convenient for them. I felt un-pursued by boys and friends. This caused me to overthink every thing about myself. Why isn't this guy pursuing me anymore? Am I pretty enough? Why aren't my friends concerned with how I am feeling? Am I boring? Am I old news? These questions filled my mind. I also started thinking about where I am in my life and how I am not where I thought/would have liked to have been by now. I started feeling like a failure and like my dreams were never going to come true. I was scared to death my life was becoming average and unspectacular and there was nothing I could do about it. At one time everything was going so great- and then BAM.Suddenly my life seemed like it was at a stand still. I wasn't progressing, I was just stuck and going through the motions.
After throwing all that negativity at you, there's good news. Through this dark lonely time, I had nothing to lean on but Jesus. He was revealing himself to me through this situation and I didn't even know. This stage of depression(if you even consider it that) caused me to depend on him for light. He constantly reminded me that even though I feel alone, I am not. Even though I feel unloved, he loves me more than I could ever imagine. Through the darkness, I was just craving light. I was craving Jesus. All I wanted and needed was hope..and he gave it to me. I now know that although my circumstances aren't ideal at the moment, things can only get better. When I feel like I'm drowning, that's when God reveals himself to me the most. The so called "bad" times in this life are just apart of our journey and help us grow in crazy ways that we would never think possible.
Besides these last few weeks, I had never really gone though a dark time like this. I had never experienced what it felt like to feel so helpless over tiny things and to feel like there was no escape. How could I be struggling with this? I'm Kayla. I'm always positive and always expected to be happy. I think Jesus wanted me to experience this to reveal the fact that I don't have to hide my hurt. I am not expected to be perfect and I have my moments just like everyone else. He wanted me to rest by realizing this. I feel he also put me through this so I can relate and better help those people that feel like this all the time. I can't imagine always feeling this stranded but the truth is, many people feel like this all the time. Now I can better understand how hopeless and lost some people are. I was able to escape this darkness because of the strength I got from Jesus, but if people don't know him how are they going to find the strength to fight through that dark season?
With all that said, I just want to let you know that if you are feeling hopeless, weak, unworthy, unimportant, or unwanted ... know that those feelings and thoughts are the farthest thing from true. They do not define who you are as a person, nor do they define your worth. Don't let negative thoughts have that power over you.The truth is you are of great value, you are loved, you are pursued and you are wanted. Keep these truths in your mind always and remember that although you seem to be drowning in this season of darkness, light always wins.
-Kay
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